So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
