He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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