I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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