So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
farters have to be the big spoon...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
