you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
