I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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