My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
