Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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