How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
