3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
