she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
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We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.