i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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