I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
