I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
