So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
