Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.