I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.