Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
