so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
