If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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