apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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