I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
