His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
