She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
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I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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