When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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