if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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