i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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