allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I want to fling myself into the sun
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