Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
