Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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