put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
