thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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