this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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