I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
