you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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