do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
