I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
