In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
