I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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