I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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