I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
