She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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