I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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