can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
