first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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