Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
