Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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