I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
