The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sext me about skeletons
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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