also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
