I need to stop coming to work sober
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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