I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
