I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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