I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
