my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
