checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
