I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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