I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
